Sirenita

I am having the most unusual correspondence with a complete stranger.

About 6 months ago, I started getting forwards of forwards of “Joke” email from a person with an AOL account. The jokes didn’t seem like anything that anybody I knew would send me; for one thing, they weren’t funny. Some of them were racist, even. I looked over the list of people who were also forwarded the jokes, and I didn’t know any of them. Confused, and not sure if maybe this was a cousin of mine or something, I wrote off to the person and asked them who they were.

The mystery emailer responded with another forward of a chain mail and a brief message about how I should get together with them and somebody named “Dallas” and their husband, Russ. I said I didn’t know any of those people. I got sent another forward of a cartoon frog strangling a stork and an assurance that I did too know Russ. So, I started sending all their emails to the trash, and forgot about it. (I wish I hadn’t tossed out those earlier messages but sadly, I cleaned out my trash box and they are gone.)

Then this week, more forwards! From the same person! Somehow, their emails are getting around my set of email filters, and there they are, full of more chain mails and jokeyjokes. So this is how it’s gone so far this week:

To: me
From: xxx@aol.com

Subject: This is Funny as SHit!

(four times forwarded telemarketer video I haven’t bothered to watch, and about 85 email addresses of people I don’t know)

*************

To: xxx@aol.com
From: Me

Subject: Re: This is Funny as SHit!

I am a complete stranger to you. Could you please take me off your email list? Thanks.

*************

To: Me
From: xxx@aol.com

Subject: Re: Re: This is Funny as SHit!

Actually, if I am not mistaken, your name is Christine who eats at Liberty and know both me and my husband. Think girly!! If I am wrong, please let me know, but if you are the same lady I am thinking of, I wanted to call you so that you could go out with me during Halloween if you were going to dress up as the cat agian.

************

To: xxx@aol.com
From: Me

Subject: Re: re: Re: This is Funny as SHit!

Actually, I strongly believe that I am not and never have been Christine who eats at Liberty. I mean, who knows what I might get up to while I’m asleep, but during the hours that I am awake, I am not Christine, I am generally not eating at a Liberty, and although I long to dress up as your cat and run amok with your husband, I do not know him. Or you, much as I am deeply saddened by this. I feel a kinship with you that I can only feel towards complete strangers who insist that they have seen me dressed like a kitty cat.

I have, as you have exhorted, attempted to “think girly” and it’s given me a pounding headache and a morbid fear of pink.

I remain,
Your faithful complete stranger who would like to be removed from your extensive list of people to whom you email knee-slappers fairly regularly-

Not Christine.

*************

So I haven’t heard back from her again yet, but I assume we are going to be Best Friends Forever any day now.

Possibly the best thing about the emails was what Gmail decided the targeted ads should be:

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Palm-Meow, Inc.
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Cat Urine Behavior
problems? Products and advice that really work at CatFaeries.com
www.CatFaeries.com
Fabulous Girls Underwear
Limited Too offers stylish sleepwear for tweens.
www.LimitedToo.com
Girls Thongs
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www.suaveseeker.com

**********************************************

ADDENDUM:

I got more email from her. She assured me that because she was a lady, she would burn in hell before she stopped writing to me. Or something like that, my eyes glazed over from the bad punctuation before I finished it. So instead, I set my email program to forward
everything she writes to me to abuse@aol.com. abuse@aol.com is broken, and sends an automatic bounce message, so I set up another
rule to forward the bounce message to her, too, with a cc to abuse@aol.com. Which will send an automatic bounce message. Which will forward to her, and send a copy to abuse@aol.com. See how that works? It’s like a mobius strip of email.

If THAT doesn’t work, I’ll just send her a bunch of links to Two Girls, One Cup.